Bittersweet childhood...

Its been  a while my friends and readers ( if u r there). I have not been in the mood to pen down anything until recently. But recent events have made me come back and take a look at what I had written a few weeks' back.I see its not all rubbish. I see myself, the young me and it inspires me to keep on cleansing myself in my writing..So here let me do it..

I have had the good luck to create a few pages on behalf of my schools and colleges, and while I compile these, pick up bits from here and there, borrow old pictures which recreate the bittersweet memories for my various friends , seniors and juniors, I also do receive these heart-rending comments on certain posts. These reflect the same pain I felt all those years ago. The pain, the longing, the loss, the feeling of being unwanted.. These sad feelings I must add are mostly associated to my childhood years. The years one is supposed to be carefree.I have come to realize all those sad memories were not just in my mind, it has been the same ones for a few others too. So, unlike what some of my co-boarders insisted, I had not imagined all that injustice, the partiality and the total meanness that was a constant there. So I am glad that  these comments from fellow mates for the time being at least proves  I am not yet become senile and am grateful for that .  :-)

We at the boarding, the boarders as we were known, were looked upon by our fellow schoolmates as  a privileged lot. We did feel privileged in some ways too. Though the term itself is quite relative in many ways.. For me that privilege ended as soon as I got back to the boarding back from holidays at home.We had regular, fixed times for everything. Christian kids were expected to attend Mass at the nearby church or the chapel inside the boarding or school. I remember I only liked to attend Mass because of the songs. I loved singing along. And I liked to think I had a, not- so- bad singing voice too. This singing  helped me get through the whole ceremony of Mass. Or should I say I adopted the singing mode to worship my Lord?

We, the boarders while we attended Church outside the compound walls , were made to walk in  a single file, talking was totally a no no, prim and proper behavior expected of us, while on our way to and from and while inside the Church. Let me elaborate a bit on the " talking ways" of my boarding days. We had this rule there at that time. Ours was a Montessori school back then, in the medium of English, in a Malayalam speaking locality, and our school authorities had this rule that we the boarders ought to only converse in English while speaking with each other. I do not remember this rule being so hard and fast in the school itself as such. But let me tell you, it was us, the kids at the boarding who were made to stick to this particular one. The promise to our parents being we, their kids would be excellent English-speaking finished products. I believe its exactly this surety, that I would be excellent in my English and my general Education because of that medium of Instruction being English, which was not all that common in Kerala in the early 1970's, that really appealed to my parents to enroll their youngest there. 

If you ask me what benefits I had gained from being a student there, what would I say? Let me think. What did I get out of my days there? The only thing that comes to my mind is, yes, my dear parents were right. I did get interested in the Language and because of  excellent teachers like Sr.Angela, and the extensive library the school had, ( I do especially remember the hard bound little books like "Daddy tell me a story", the brightly colored, Indian -Epic related, comic books, and of course the Illustrated classics), I did develop a strong base for English and an intensive love of the language, which later persuaded me to choose English as my Major in College. Probably, I later became an English Teacher because of the hours I spent reading those books whenever I got a chance, even with the poor light from the corridors in the boarding, that seeped through our dorm windows at night, while we were supposed to be fast asleep. Now that I look back, I realize my avid reading helped me a lot in bearing all that was going on around me, in a real major way. I ignored my school books largely and my school results were repeatedly poor. My grades for all other subjects were average to poor but the English muse always smiled on me.

With the modern benefits of Networking, I have been able to reconnect with my old classmates, erstwhile friends and foes alike, and we have realized how bittersweet our days back at school were. Some of my classmates have been able to jog my memory, sometimes through old pictures and have helped me connect the dots of various little incidents that happened so long ago. Oh, let me tell you there's nothing as funny, enjoyable, refreshing and cathartic than a fellow schoolmate, with whom you have fought and played and been nice and bad and everything in between, reminding you of your childhood flaws and all those various escapades. I am sure you have already got an idea of what I am trying to express here. Sometimes, I catch myself wanting to turn back the clock, maybe try to change everything, wipe away all the unpleasantness, wanting to relive that particular part in my life, hoping to do everything better, but alas ! What's done is done as we all know....We never get a second chance ever, or do we ? Probably its all for the best I  try telling myself....well, that is the philosopher in me. These are the moments when those famous words  from the Bhagavad Gita take on a whole  new level of meaning to me.