On bungling up one's life so early on....

My school days were a mixture of the sad and the happy and everything in between. I was a dreamer who liked to carry myself to fairylands like all little kids . And that's how we all tried to get by each day when the going got a little rough I believe. Hoping and wishing that better days would come. Looking forward to good days and maybe for that rare brightness in the gloom.

For me, those bright spots were the various events going on, the extra-curricular activities, the Sunday brunch, the parties at the Church, the visit by loved ones, the holidays when we were allowed to go home, and the Kwality Street chocolates from the Middle East, that some very generous fellow boarders passed around and the birthdays that brought sweets . Also, my strolls in the school playground, where, I liked to go in my free time,  pretending to look for treasures (little nick knacks) during holidays and playtime .We didn't have toys like our kids do now, and there was no one who took the trouble to make the ones made of coconut leaves for us, or teach us to make them either, then. So one had to pretty much rely on one's creativity.  I did later learn to make those palm leaf toys from my siblings.Those were the days with neither television nor radio. Remember, we were in a boarding managed by nuns. Oh, we did have our mighty, angry and vigorous fights with each other of course. Wonder if those can be counted as entertainments . And I was very good at holding my own ground and famous for it too and quite strongly disliked for being so.

Very soon I  realized, I'd superbly messed my life up, quite early on really . Let me relate this to you. At the age when  one  blossoms into one's youth, when one starts realizing one has some saving graces after all, and one is not all that bad as is generally portrayed, when one starts attuning oneself to the joys and pains of youth, I realized a little too late if I may say so, it was all already messed up for me. I grew up in the boarding, being persuaded to believe that all tender feelings of the heart, were to be avoided at all costs. Also, I'd been encouraged to ponder the good sides of choosing the life of a nun, as I was noted to be very diligent in repeating prayers and attending the Mass. It was told me that this path was one of the best ones for anyone and I should seriously consider it. It did have its allure for me for a very short span of time. Everything takes on an appealing  look if the presentation is good enough right ?

 One was looked very much down upon and gossiped about if one tended  to deviate into the path of  love. You would be treated as a black sheep if you dared to have any such finer tendencies. Alas! Can one help these particular tender feelings during those tender teenage years? This specific issue was not even open for discussion anyways in those days. You are born into this world with the capacity to love and to be loved. From the moment you are born, you reach out for some kindness, approval and love. That's the way we all are made. You are born with a multitude of  emotions- desires, feelings, anger, frustrations and with varying ways of expressing them . No escape for man there.

So, one fine morning, I end up  focusing my affections on someone . Only, I 'd been blissfully unaware of something then , or did I decide to ignore it ? Almost all the the other girls in my class were bitten by the same bug and the same subject, which was evident by their general manner .What I hadn't taken into account was, that some mischief was taking its rounds in the class in the meantime, and these were being falsely attributed to various people. Some real damaging prank was being played by someone, trying to get everyone in trouble with the teachers. Notes were being passed around to a particular person as written by certain people, while they were totally unaware of them and as luck would have it, the recipient of these letters was none other than the one on whom I had focused my affections on. Anyways, some note with my name on it ended up taking the brunt from the teachers. The end-result, summons to the staff-room, interrogation, tears, shame, isolation by friends  and all the extra frills that follow in such a situation. Now, I am able to make light of this matter, but this  particular incident at that very moment in time had changed me forever.

I learned to hide my true feelings and shun boys/men at the early age of 12 I think. I also learned to hate my first crush and vowed not to trust anyone in matters of the heart . I had found out the real hard way what the results of being too culpable, naive and innocent were. I was treated like an outcast by my  friends , boarders and classmates and the school in general. I never wanted to end up in such a situation and was extremely rude to many caring people later on in my life, this, just because they tended to show a little affection for me. Never did I get a fair chance then while in school, to have my say or to prove  my innocence. No one wanted to analyze what really had occurred . And I  for that matter was so engrossed in shame and believed the whole world thought me dirty ! For what I wonder now ? Anyway who cared for such silly things as feelings, especially that of a non-nondescript little chit ! In my young mind it all got imprinted that I'd done something terribly 'wrong', the "wrong"  being that  of concentrating my affections on some fellow classmate. Which in those days was such a crime by the then general outlook. Above all that, look at the age! Was it all so wrong? No one really cared ! A name to be tarnished, giggled at, and ridiculed was in high demand then and mine was conveniently available at the right time. And that was the end of a love story that got nipped even before it began.

In those days, countless were the times when I just wanted to disappear from the face of the earth all together. In later days , I came to realize the immature and irresponsible way in which this particular incident, like many in fact, which should have been treated in a very tactful manner, were bungled by the school authorities.

Later, when we, our school friends have had a chance to look back on all this, it has  become quite clear, how unjustly it was all handled and how bad everyone concerned had been scarred by all this. I am one of those people who try to believe there's always a purpose for every little thing that happens in one's life, in life in general . But I am still not sure what good this incident ever brought about if any, in mine . A lot of sadness to a few, and so much of cruel enjoyment to the majority was all the outcome I can remember .

And life goes on...

So, see u soon with my memories...