A welcome to slumber,and farewell to all contemplation....

It's all a continuous process, this effort at understanding all the things going on around you. All of it of course has its origin the day you are born here, into this conundrum of confusion. But, does anyone ever reach a conclusion as to its relevance at all ? Very doubtful. Definitely there are moments when one is lulled into this feeling of certainty.This false sense that one has, that one definitely, ultimately, understood everything. But then again, one is faced with a new curve thrown at one's face and again hurtled into a mixed confusion.

Probably it all is never to be really comprehended, maybe its just to be experienced. To undergo all of the multitudes of one's experience in a lifetime and never ever try to question the whys and the wherefores of things. Just, maybe just, leave it all alone. Pondering on things have not helped anyone much, other than adding to the total stress and unhappiness and sadness. Truth is sadness, most always bringing pain . These far and few periods of happiness and the enjoyment we are lulled into are not the reality, they are the very rare waterholes that we happen on, in this very  long/short journey of this dry desert, called life.

What has one accomplished, after having striven so hard to make one's mark and at the same time amass material wealth, sometimes for four to five generations and more? Probably its all like, we are pieces added into the whole of the patchwork of this entirety, called 'life' in general. Maybe, one ought to play one's part, whether one likes it or not, for the whole thing to fall into place. Whatever happens, life is got to go on. So, the individual is of no consequence, here in the larger picture of things. Its the whole that matters not the various parts, probably. Otherwise, why in the world should the various little elements have this doubt from time to time?

Maybe all this War, the Politics, the bickering and the drama around us is to promote life, again, who knows? That is why in many cases, the man or the individual is trampled on, for the general good, it is said. But, what good would it be,  if the parts are not healthy, its almost like the various small/big organs/parts of a human body. A faulty part will eventually bring down the whole structure. So, isn't the individual important after all ? Who in the world cares to know? Who really has the time to think on it, especially in these money making, stock-market focused days.

Hearing someone express a wish for all humanity to go back to those days of farming, and organic living days, that had been once the very way of life, makes one wonder. Really! Will anyone who has actually seen success (material), by promoting the modern way of life , which is what is propagated to the maximum, to be the much more convenient, posh and time-saving method, with the various products and gadgets available, through their collective efforts of marketing  to the common people, just sit still and watch  this reverting into the old ways of life? That way of life just doesn't stand a chance in this very modernized world. Even if one tried consciously , there are too many defeatist elements at work, in covert, overt and very audacious ways all around us, that would do their very best to outsmart you, me and every single one of us.Who would then dare to even have an ancient dream I ask?

Well.... it all seems easier  most of the time, really, to give in, rather than to stand up against it all. It appears to be the best choice- the silence and the acceptance , rather than the queries and the relevance of comprehending. Do I really need my headaches augmented ? I better not think on it. Let me put my mind to a lazy slumber in that quarter..

Is it really worth it ? The extremes you get pushed into, to hold on to a job?

Everyone in my native place are very familiar with the idea of paying / bargaining with the highest amount for a Government paid job in any institution under any private Corporate or single Management . Its quite common that the job usually goes to the highest bidder usually also the person with the most influence. Private Managements make loads of money by way of appointments which is hardly spent on the said Institution for which the person is hired. That too is a fact, to which you hardly find any reactions or active protestations for fear of endangering one's cosy position. 

Like I'd said in my blog on self-reliance , in which I wrote of how I got my regular job, paying money is not unheard of to get one, but it is unusual and quite new that the state of things have so deteriorated that, you will be made to pay through your teeth if you need to safeguard it too. I have been availing long leave,which is allowed to the Government employees. For the short period of leave I applied a couple of year's back I have been asked to pay in order to get a permission to avail it. I did do it the first time. I was told to pay the salary for a guest who would work in my place, (remember, I am on leave without pay, not working abroad either).With a heavy heart and pinching my pockets I did pay last time. The recent leave I applied for was not allowed me as I was incapable of coughing out the huge sum of ten lakhs for the four years I wanted to avail. Which by the way the Management knew I would never be able to put forth. I was asked to my face by the Secretary , "If you pay, you keep your job , otherwise resign it".He also added, "Your people's colleges only employ your people, so why should I care about you who don't belong here?" Meaning your community/religion/&coconuts.Yeah there is the rub. How can you, who don't belong work in my community college?(veiled query of course)

The harassment I faced and the insults that were showered every time I went to personally request to be allowed an NOC is a totally different story. I hear my friends telling me I should have taped and got evidence and taken these people to court. I am not that kind of a person I tell them. It hurts , yes it does, the injustice of it all. Why only I have been subjected to such a treatment right? There were others who were allowed leave with a fair amount of money paid up. Why me being pushed out? The only answer that comes to mind is , the coast was much easier to clear in my case ,and it is being done, the way paved for a more fresh means of money-making found.

Now, I am being literally pushed out. As I see it, it is all a play of  Money, Corruption,Caste, Religion, Prejudice and Whatnot. Evert rogue element has played and is playing a part in shaping our future world , everything other than all that really matters like value, worthiness, capability or quality that really matters and do work. No use riling against a corrupt system, that I know, one can do zilch about all this injustice as the rich is got the power, be it political or otherwise .As long as Money holds precedence over man and Values, we will always be witnesses to these wild, uncontrolled frenzy and cavorting of the rich and the powerful around us. So, my God-given job is been snatched away by very much material minded and earth bound people. I am here waiting to see if there is going to be  a Divine interference after all, as it was all a blessing in the first place. Silly of me right? Grow up girl!

I Need/want/demand a cell phone..

This is about the debate about the degree of necessity of getting a mobile phone for our boy . His demand for one had started quite early, as a matter-of-fact. Many of his friends already had one from their 3rd grade on . This, we gathered from his whining for one .Of course we thought that was nonsense- An elementary school kid needing a phone? Nah ! we said. It would be like spoiling you, we argued with him . But the wailing has gone on .. why can't only I have one ? please please please..nope usually went the immediate reply. In fact he didn't really , necessarily need one, as he was wont to travel back and forth mostly by bus and some of the schools were just walking distance from where we stayed. Mostly, I could see him walk to and from school through the kitchen window of the apartment .A phone sure would only add to the multiple distractions he already has. "So, why do you need one ?" "I want to talk to my friends" he retorts. "That's what the home phone is for ,  pick it up, use it all you want" .No, I need my own,  he  stays stubborn .

We, as parents have been giving a lot of thought to the topic of a phone for him for some time now. He is right on one point . Kids much younger than him do have their own phones,its just the norm and some do tout their mobiles in his face and he does feel embarrassed . But again , to him a cell phone would just be the means to get his favorite games at his fingertips.That was mainly why he yearned for one .The world of games were beckoning him .He was bored in the bus, he said. We have been sourly aware of the fact that maybe, he is already a little too much into video and online games and that much  less time is being used for furthering his efforts at studies. So its a constant fear, that we might be encouraging him to go lax in his studies if we put a mobile phone in his hand. As a result of our discussion we had come to the understanding he would be given a basic phone(no texting, no playing, so utilitarian , I know),when he entered his second year in Middle school.

Yesterday , after soccer, my dear son wants to talk to me privately. He nudges me , asks me to stay back , I am aware something is come up. I fear he is in trouble, he wants me to fall in line with him , but I hurry to start dinner as its already very late. He catches up with me with his very tired, soccer-practised leg and murmers, " Mom, several girls have started asking me my cell number, I felt embarrassed you know, I don't even have a number to give".He had my full attention by then. Now what will his dad have to say in defence to  that particular line of argument, I wonder.For, every time this topic of a phone for him came up, we have been able to convince him with one practical argument or the other, mostly related to his attention getting diverted on the phone, online songs and so on. Girls I know are a total different matter. I remembered how   he had tried to glean the reaction of the young girls who had tried to introduce themselves to my son at a recent temple. I wanted to see how dad reacted to this particular line of argument as I told him . He really had a problem. Your son's number is in demand among the girls now, they have started asking his number I say! So what, just give them my cell number he replies, trying to hide his amusement at this turn of events.(the interest of the young girls in his son that is) With a huff and a puff and total frustration about his lot, my son goes to get a shower before dinner. How dare you say that, I tell him my hubby, it sounded to me like "let the girls talk to me, I am ready to talk with them, than an offer of help".It really sounded like he was goading his son. No, I meant he can talk with all of them when I come home,on my cell, my husband retorts, "Oh ! come on" I say. My dear husband tends to forget  that the world he is now living in is no longer the 20th C. I remind him, now this is a serious matter, he is getting noticed and you better do what needs to be done, get him a phone soon. He is got to text and keep in contact out of school too, in order to form good friendships and relationships . Stay with the times please , I tell him.

Oh, don't worry he will get one soon, my hubby tells me, the soon being when the next model of his choice phone is released that is. I try to console my boy saying your wait won't be long , you are gonna get one by  the next academic year I promise you. He is in need of one I know, we cannot escape that fact for long, I know that too.

The Ways and means to safeguard one's self-reliance...1

My first regular job was a real God -send . I had passed the UGC test almost two years earlier and had so far failed to get an offer for a regular job. This, even though I did make the final list of potential candidates, due to the lack of lakhs that had to be paid for the jobs as such . That was/is how you got a job in any private Educational system funded by the Government. Now, why hadn't I tried for a job in the Government Colleges? There was no way I could, as the State Government had for a period of ten years frozen any appointments. What luck to be job hunting exactly then with a UGC Lecturership certificate I'd say! I always had the option to apply out-of state, as the certificate was valid nation-wide, but I was not encouraged to do so.

So, it was just by pure chance this particular full-time, regular, Government-paid job as a college teacher almost like, landed on my lap. I had applied the previous year for a post in colleges under a certain Private Management, at the insistence of my eldest brother, who also had brought me the form to apply. I had no hopes at all, as I'd been repeatedly disappointed after many interviews with many separate managements, resulting with the managements' almost always discreetly letting me know that I needed to furnish a certain amount of money for the job in question . There was no way my father could pay that huge amount and so my only hope was the Government, but there never was going to be a chance for me there,  for some extended period of time at least. Anyway, I ended up applying, and as a result attended an interview, which went quite well.  As I did not belong to that particular community( Community colleges tended to give preference to their own (caste/creed), and I had zero influence on the Management, I forgot all about it in due course.

One fine morning, during my short tenure as a temp English Lecturer in Chittoor Government College near Palghat,(I had been appointed through the Employment Exchange there) I received a mail from the private Management asking me to join duty as soon as possible, as I was appointed as Lecturer in a college under their management.You can imagine my surprise and excitement at these turn of events. Here I am, with no hope at all of getting a government post( state government) and suddenly this golden opportunity presents itself . I let my family know and asked for the company of one of my brothers to accompany me to the said institution as it was miles away from where I was  located at that time.

And that's how I ended up at the College where I had the best time during all of my teaching career. I was young, looked so puny, and appeared to have no authority in the eyes of the kids I was supposed to be giving lectures to. In fact, many of them were so big, they used to think they could easily intimidate me. In fact, some did initially, but it was short-lived. I soon earned a reputation for putting the ones who acted too smart in their places during the course of my classes, that is if I received any unwanted interference from anyone. Like I'd said those first few years were the most joyous ones of my teaching career. I was a big kid myself partially, joining in all the activities both fun and academical. I enjoyed teaching and made sure I never became a total bore .

Its this job that I am now almost on the verge of losing as I had availed leave, and my post is now very much in demand, as it would fetch many more times over what it was worth at the time I joined as a fresh hand . I have been made acutely aware that, I never had to pay even a single penny for my job as was the usual case, even though the job was in the private Management. During our appointments, the said Management was in trouble with the Government and so all the appointments were overseen by a Receiver appointed by the Courts. Which, in turn brought about a very honest and accurate appointing process, almost like the Government selection of probable future employees , depending on one's merits and according to the norms set by the Government. No money exchanged hands. And so the following refrain I kept hearing "You never paid a penny" , came to  sound to me more like "how dare you have this job?".

Oh yes, harrasment has been part and parcel from the beginning, due to this 'free pass' I had gotten, whether it be from some colleagues or from people in authority. You just learned to live with it. It did nothing to kill my spirit though . If anything, it only made me tougher and stronger each time I heard it, to face the world.

Recently, when I tried for a leave again, this same refrain was sung to me . I had grown so hardened to it, I did not actually care, even though insult was added to injury . But the extremes they would go to, to make me lose my God-given gift of a job, does disturb some deep part of me. Its the money beckoning them I know. Should I fight it or just give in? Do I have the energy for such a battle royale? I ought to do my part to at least present my side and not let them easily push and overthrow me, from the only thing that has ever made me realize my full potential . And I am striving to do it . I might eventually lose this uneven fight between the individual and the Corporate. If so, it would be with so much of sadness and feeling of having accomplished  less than my potential, that I'd be leaving . I have lots in me still to do .I haven't done half of what I am capable of, as I had to of lately,had to give priority to other things than my career, which have led me to take repeated leave.(Which is btw allowed to all employees, a period of 15 years).

The dream of going back soon and working for another decade and somemore is fast diminishing from my future horizon. Out of my around 16 years of total service, I have actively taught only a seven and six months of it, the rest being consumed by my leave, for the purpose of being with my family abroad. I must be the butt of ridicule among my peers, as to the subject of what I have so far achieved after all, with my travels abroad, other than keep the family together. Which let me add , to me is of the most important as a mother and wife. Not any financial gain like what others usually achieve, as I am a stay-at-homer, what's there to show? I would like to find some consolation in the belief that all that has happened in my simple life and is happening is maybe for the best, be it mine or that of the ones close to me. Who knows, maybe the best is yet to be...May my faith uphold me..

Of friends, less than friends and careless friends...

With the advent of networking , keeping up with one's friends have become so effortless. There is no excuse now available for anyone, who calls himself/herself a friend to find solace in excuses anymore I'd say. Still we tend to blame our lack of checking on our friends on the busy schedules we are on, be it at home, work or the schedule of our social life.

In spite of all this, don't you think you would take the trouble to at least find out how someone you really care about is doing, at least from time to time, not wait for them to catch up with you/ask after you?  What do you call this type of behavior,this waiting to be asked about, but not caring enough about the other person to find about the wellness of their friend at all ? Could he/ she be a real friend to the one who cares enough to check on him/her? Trying to touch base with one's friends will occur only if there is this real feeling of love/care .This touching of base with each other can be in the mode of a brief message, a call, a mail or even a chat message. Now that is the convenience we all have, at our fingertips in this present day and age. Despite these comforts, if you still cannot bother to say in a short message, whether it be mail or otherwise that you do care by asking about your friend, then what type of a so- called friend are you? No matter the distance, the lack of time and any and all other issues, you would be there, you would find or make time to get the message across that you do care about them . You would always be a solid support proving to your friends they can rely on you always and anytime.This support needn't be material, it must be moral and it ought to be ever present . Fiends mean so much more to a person than one's own family most of the time . When one starts caring less and less, one tends to push them back into the background. Oh, they are fine, they must be getting along ,would be your attitude once you start caring for them less and less. So that's what's happening to some of my friends who are becoming more 'distanced' I guess. Should I call them distanced friends, the one's who seemed to be so close to my heart , now slowly disappearing from my day to day life. The one's you still care for though are the one's who make you stop and analyse yourself/ your situation.Now that's the 'unkindest cut' of it all. If both parties care less, it ought to be alright, if not is when the hurt begins.You tend to dissect the whole thing, trying to find the whys and wherefores of the little things in that particular relationship.

Again to the topic on the true ones, friends that is, they will always be there for you, no matter what. You can always rely on their support and well wishes. They never judge you, they are the one's who have accepted you for all your faults and your graces. Nothing you say or do is gonna ever change their attitude towards you or yours towards them . Such friendships are enriched even further when all the related  feelings are mutual.So it is when the mutuality in a friendship diminishes that a real friend becomes a careless one. I believe its easier to understand and accept one's lot when an erstwhile friend becomes your less than a friend person or should I say a foe almost? Yes its much more easy to understand the workings of a foe's mind than a friend's, who has become a confusing one at that, like the one that has gone totally careless. You wouldn't know what to do with such a one.

Do you keep them or do you lose them? It becomes a Hamlet question. ( 'To be or not to be', here a friend) Should you or not? If you totally want to lose them , its not an easy matter at all let me say. The issue being, there is this remnant of mixed feelings, feelings of care which haven't at all diminished on one side at the least. This one-sided concern and affection and remnants of affection on the other side gets the relationship nowhere, its like a beached vessel going nowhere . You cannot abandon it, nor can you move it, in short you are stuck .You know there are ways and means to help it progress and get it to go on its path but its got to be a very concerted effort. So you see, you are indeed in a fix . This really is the type of friendship that bothers one and really makes one unhappy. It is not the less than friends or foes who make one restless or embittered I guess, its the careless ones, the ones who care no more, the ones who had once been so dear, who have faded away little by little but again the ones for who you still have care and you just cannot seem to get back to the way you were with them.

So in short, these careless ones cannot be called friends anymore, they are become more like acquaintances. Alas, they are no friend material now after all .

Of realized wishes/wishful thoughts....

This little incident might sound silly as you read on ,but here goes . Last week we lost the back screw of my daughter's ear-ring. Not a very silly matter as that was probably the second loss of a 22 carat gold ear-ring by her in nearly 4 months. Quite an accomplishment by way of losses I should say, and so much disappointment and self-rebuke on my part as a result of this turn of events.

The self-rebuke on my part being, I hadn't paid enough attention, like checking on her ear-ring every once in a while as we knew she was in the habit of losing em.I discovered she was without one ear-ring just as she was hurrying to get ready for school.Not an ideal time I agree, but that particular point never stopped me from immediately rushing into the bath and checking the floor and the tub, in the high hopes of finding a part or both parts of the ear-ring.

To my delight I did find the anterior part , the posterior screw being no where in sight, to my dismay . Even though I was beggared for time right then, I couldn't stop myself from trying to poke around near the drain just in hopes of finding the little screw. No way was I ever gonna get that back I knew, it could have long drained off, I realized that to my disappointment.

My girl was so sad she'd lost another one of the gold rings again, and looked to me for some reassurance, which, I just was not in the mood to give her at all , but I managed to say that I would try to find it for her anyway . I had no idea what to do right then, I couldn't send her to school with one ear bare, that sure would look odd. So, I decided to remove mine and attach one of the screws to her ear-ring to save the situation, which did not help at all . It wouldn't fit, the screw. Gratefully, I found there was an extra pair I'd put away in the medicine cabinet for such occasions and immediately helped her into it, with the accompanying howls of pain of course, that which we always get during such exchanges.

The thought of the loss heavily weighed on me that morning, that I went on my hands and knees with a fine tooth comb, searching for the minute treasure, but again with no payoff . Another bout of self-rebuke helped me a bit , but then not really I guess. I went into one of those 'If only' modes again, daydreaming that possibly she lost it here, there or wherever, somewhere for goodness sakes! And it was in one of those moments of wishful thoughts, that I did think hopefully, that she could have maybe lost it in my neighbor's house, her friend Surya's house, where it was that she was a constant visitor. Maybe, I thought, it is somewhere on the carpet or sofa or anywhere there in the house and they might probably find it. Having had this little wishful thinking already (among many other probable scenarios btw), I related this loss to my neighbor, when I saw her later that day and in reply to her query, why I had changed my lil one's ear-rings. I also mentioned how she'd lost one too many of her gold ear-rings over the months and how it was just so small , that it could have drained away so easily, and maybe I should try getting one of those silver or 14 k gold ones from  J C Penney or Kohls or some such place for her .

The long and short of it being, early next morning, I get a call from my neighbor saying she had the little gold screw in her hand right then, that she'd found it among the cushions on her sofa and that she was immediately reminded of my very recent loss! Well imagine that ! We needn't after all wait until next year to get back home to get her ear-ring fixed or replaced, its been found....well that was a first I got to say.

So you see, wishes/ wishful thinking can really come true . Did I mention my son was in presence when the call came through that the ear-ring was found ? At that moment I told him I had actually wished it would be found in Surya's house.You wanna know what he said, right? "Now that's rich mom..really! Mom, can you do the same thing for me please?" He asks. "What?" I ask , and he goes, "Wish that I will get better grades in school please, will you mom?" I burst out laughing..he was very much like me after all, my dear son. Wasn't I the very same way, wanting some magic everyday in my life, especially while in school, wishing I would get better grades, but not willing to work harder for it ? The apple sometimes does not really fall very far from the tree after all..

But again, maybe I ought to apply my wishing skills to wish for something really substantial,  more worthwhile, for a better, valuable life with all of my heart that is, like I did with the little gold screw, and who knows my wishes might surprise me by getting themselves realized. So he does have a point there, my son..

Eagle Strut @ school..

Today, I'd got up from bed with the idea of getting busy doing some cooking and some writing later.Only I never got to the cooking part, but as soon as I sat down at the desktop to browse the net, one of my friend's called me out of the blue,(she'd not been in touch for a while), asking if I'd want to join her for the Eagle Strut at our kids' school and maybe go around for some garage sale hunting later . I had not made plans to go to school, but as I never got to volunteer this year or never shared a meal with my kid @ school since she started K, I decided to take up my friend's offer , which as it turned out, became one of my smart decisions taken recently. I, let me correct myself,  we, had a very fulfilling experience, walking the walk( The Eagle Strut, Eagle being their school mascot) with the little ones in kindergarten, following them around and having a picnic later at school.

I was sourly reminded of what I have been missing all along . My Kindergartner has begged me so many times to come to her class, read a book, be a homeroom helper, just be there at class like some moms who do so usually . I have never had the chance before today. The happiness and pride on her face on seeing me to share the experience with her was so rewarding. She'd been a little unsure previously about a few things though, with regards to my visits. Her embarrassment over her mom's choice of the traditional Indian dress was all forgotten. She was just overjoyed with the happiness and the surprise of seeing me turn up all of a sudden, with no prior warning. You know, both my kids have this embarrassment, of having to see me dressed in a sari or Churidhar or Salwar or anything traditional (Indian)  in front of their peers. They are glad to see me dressed so on any other occasion except when in the company of their classmates or schoolmates. On those times( while in the company of school mates ), they are just relieved to see me blend in, wearing a pair of jeans or some such casual wear. I beg my little one to wear one of those beautiful dresses from back home, at least once in a while to school, she refuses, she gets scared, she thinks she might be looked on as the odd person out among her friends . I try telling her how pretty she looks in them and how everyone would love to see her dressed thus, but no way is she gonna do it , not ever she says.

To get back to my day in her school, I regretted I was not going often enough to help in the classes, I wished I could do more, visit more. She was overjoyed to see me buy lunch at her school and eat it with her and her friends.There are so many such little experiences, precious ones, which we usually tend to ignore, not giving enough attention to the little things in life, mostly like trying to spend more quality time with the little ones. And how fast they grow up! Sometimes we are not even aware of what we are really missing out on. Its not long before you start wishing you had spent more time with them when they were little.  All those other busy matters in life force us to push these very precious moments towards the back row, in the line of our priorities. Her homeroom teacher was very excited to see us parents help and share in it all.

In the end, I was totally grateful to my friend who surprised me and changed my drab day to one that became very memorable for both my little one and myself .Only, am slightly vary of showing the pics taken at the school to my middle-schooler as he, time and time again, last year, had begged me to join him in school either for the same walk or some other program or just share a meal with him which I never did then . I better prepare to hear the usual," you always do it for her, not me" complaint . I totally regret I hadn't been able to share it with him when he was in the Elementary level, but I can find solace in the fact that I sure have spent more total time with him at school than with his little sister. So there is that saving grace for me after all in the matter....