Being judged at every turn ..

What is the definition of a friend ? The dictionary says a friend is one who is attached to another by affection or esteem..sure that is true, a favored companion, true..and one that is not hostile. There is the hitch. Now-a-days I find a particular friend of mine being quite hostile to me and judgmental of everything I say or do. It keeps me wondering whats up. I ask this friend about it when I get a chance to, not often, as I get the feeling of being blocked off sometimes and of course I immediately get the answer everything is alright. In short a barrier is put up. Which begs the question, why I even bother to ask. Well the answer is, I do care of course.

Which makes me wonder where my friend has 'gone'. Not physically of course. Isn't a friend also one who would  openly tell you what is really bothering them? Or if he/she has an issue with  you? Wouldn't a friend just blurt out the issue and only then try to judge you rather than finish the judgement and then question you? Isn't a friend one with whom you can totally, comfortably rely on, believing you wouldn't be taken in the wrong way. That, you really needn't go into explanations of each and everything that you say or do. A friend is supposed to understand you just like that, right?  To get the  feel or rather to get a whiff of anything thats up with you even without the prop of words? But again, if one puts a barrier in between , its hopeless for any friend to really look at another and decipher whats going on.

And I have been having quite a few tiffs with this one particular friend. I believe this is because there is something very much unspoken between us thats been that way  for quite sometime now. And I have no clue whats going on for heavens sake. I really do not know what to do with such a friend...go on with the so- called friendship or just cross it off ? There is the catch again, I cannot seem to totally write this friendship off. I 'd rather repair it and then nourish it. Everytime I go back, I find I am being pushed back which leads me to think I am not even needed in this relationship. At the same time I cannot pretend everything is alright . So the glitch. Its like the to be or not to be situation for me now. Again this one friendship is been on the rocks quite too often for my comfort I gotto say.

 Between friends. its better not to have unnecessary barriers, and if one of them puts up a barrier , so will the other very soon and that will definitely denote the beginning of the end of that or any beautiful friendship or relationship, I believe.

Prepping for our journey back and forth...

We are gonna complete three full years of no travel back to our country of birth, India. Usually in the past, I used to get to go every two years because of my job, but now there are no said  professional ties to pull me back anymore.

This time its with a state of mind with loads of this feeling of loss and sadness that is slightly laced with some excitement that I am getting prepared for the long travel.

Travel back to India is always a hassle for us. The prepping of it definitely is stressful with, have we forgotten this, are we prepped for that, and is that safe for the kids and so on. Above all this, there is the stress of having to shop for many.

This time its different from all the other times in many ways for me. What with the loss of  a dear parent and many other changes that have ensued. This time we are also at least trying to cover most everyone in our shopping list, but then like we eventually always have to admit, its just not possible to be prepared to satisfy everyone, which we know is an Utopian idea any way to begin with.

You have this dream to be able to bring a smile to every one's face, everyone  that matters in your life back home, but its definitely not a practical idea with just one salary, I sorely have to admit . Even with two earning members I hear the groan and the moarn around us, whenever anyone travels back home, so its not a surprise we are in that particular embarrassing situation like others .

I am prepared to face all the insinuations and the murmurs of familiar relatives and friends trying to get a poke at us about us being returnees from the developed world and having nothing to give all and sundry. But thats the way of the world and yet I am not totally impervious to all those criticisms. It does have the ability to hurt us sometimes, evoking a momentous wish in those fleeting moments, to be a multi-milloinaire, and thereby satisy everyones desire for some goodies. But maybe being one of those rare species might generate unwanted feelings of selfishness and more greediness in me and total disregard for sensibilities and sensitivities, which I definitely do not savor.

I just wanna be the person I am, with my limited powers, an ordinary life with my dear family and dear friends and  maybe a small job . I believe thats all I need in  life to make me happy and make others happy and be satisfied and give satisfaction to all around me.

Then again, its all about being able to be satisfied with what you have or more to the point, you do not have I guess. As long as you are aware of  this, your limitation that is, and realize that you cannot overreach to satisfy everyone that matters to you, probably you should be alright in the long run.

No child... to any one anymore....

I am no child to  anyone anymore... not in name at least.. it' s become a stark reality , something I have yet to accept.

No matter how old one gets , one always is a child to one's parents and that embracing feeling, that feeling of protection, that sense of belonging, is what I have lost. And I mourn for all that and my dear parents' loss, far removed from all dear ones, thousands of miles away, helpless and having to mourn alone, held back here by red tape.

Do not get me wrong, I am in no fool's paradise regarding being a child- this very much older woman, its just that, I am slowly having to accept the reality of losing yet another parent and getting no real closure in any way. I do fervently hope this never happens to anyone else, this state of helplessness, this heightened sense of no loss, all over again. Yes, this is the second time for me, being physically removed at the time of departure of a parent, and in no way getting any sense of closure. 

At times, I feel I must be the unluckiest and the most undeserving kid any parent could have had, or why should I alone, among all six, be denied the chance of that one last glance at my dear ones' faces?

I believe I am one of those people with ample desires, wishes and hopes like anyone else, but  at the same time I am also one of those who is ready to settle for the least, if that is all that is made available to me, and yet, mostly I find I am denied of that least of chances . 

Maybe i ought to follow the path of zero desires I guess , the Buddha's way- Desire leads to unhappiness, so shed all desire right? Even the most moderate ones too, that way one doesn't have to deal with all this the ensuing unhappiness and misery. It could help to a certain extent at least, but alas,to my dismay I find I am only human after all.

Who knows I might end up in that particular path someday, eventually, but right now I have to deal with this total misery, this sense of loss, of not being able to see another dear face yet again when I get back home after a long period of absence . And that particular thought frightens and worries me. I have learned that life in that little part of the world has already changed, utterly and terribly and nothing is ever, ever going to be the same ever again. Everything has taken on a new meaning altogether, a new perspective, even dear ones have changed and also their outlooks, and I have to get used to the change, get adjusted. All these were expected of course, and yet oftentimes it is hard to believe or accept.

The passing away of a dear one is sometimes like the passing of an era, (it has turned out so, for me at least ), sometimes releasing the good and sometimes the bad in all of us and I am having to accept that too. Perspectives have changed, positions have reversed and the wheel of life just keeps turning as Life in its entirety goes on.

Responsibilities, expectations and sheer demands of life make me move on, each day after day, slowly bringing in the healing, but the thought that I never ever got the chance to say my goodbyes just keeps on taunting me. So, what mighty wrong have I done to deserve this state, I wonder. No idea at all. I only hope and pray that I will be forgiven for not being there and would be understood fully by my dear departed ones.