How hard can it be, landing a regular full-time job ..not at all right???

 Never is it easy losing one's job , that too a dream job , and this especially when  its conscious choice you got to make , this choice to lose that something you value , then I would say it becomes even more harder, also when its a choice you are forced to make due to inescapable circumstances  or personal reasons . The bitterness of it all adds up  when you are not sure if you would ever be able to land one again , at the age you are in, a job of your choice and to your liking , also one  in your own chosen location . In such a situation it becomes, this task of landing a job, nothing but a lot of misery, this from my personal experience, though . I am in the middle of pointing fingers , mostly at myself that is . The choices we make in life  usually lands us where we end up in life , I guess . In the end you need to learn to accept your choices and take responsibility for them too. I am taking responsibility for my career choices now,  mainly.

These days of searching for a respectable job and finding it hard to land one, makes me continuously question all the decisions that I have made throughout my very short life .Was that particular one right, I ponder, maybe I should have taken the other option, maybe it would have been even  better if I had chosen that , this, the other or whatever..too many maybes. In the end I arrive at the thought,after all , maybe , I would have been at the point where I am now, no matter what choice I'd made previously . That line of thought helps me live with myself each day .

Anyways ,after several aborted attempts, and many sporadic periods of misery, thinking that I am probably not good enough for this or that job, ( most being  entry-level ones which anyone is capable of doing btw) , but for which even , I find myself not being chosen to , (how pathetic ! right?) then what should a soul do , you tell me. Time and time I  get into these busy periods of diligently applying for all jobs I feel I might be suited for, and then receive these letters of regrets, letting me know someone else is already been chosen , which leads me again into a depressing period of quitting job searches for weeks and then trying again. It shouldn't be hard to find a job for a person who really wants to work right? Then why does it seem so hard just for me? Why do I even try right ? Well you know, I have this nagging feeling somewhere at times, reminding me, I ,as an individual  still have not done what I am really capable of doing, in fact I have done nothing to change or help this world, have not made my mark, not been useful, but am  just getting along where the tide takes me , day after day, just being a caretaker , nothing else. Seeing all those people juggling their roles as homemakers, public servants, parents, and in many multiple roles , is when it strikes me the most. What are you yourself doing, I can't help but ask myself . Look at all of them , they are busy, doing so much , here you are comparatively sitting , and watching life pass you by. Isn't there something you got to do? Get on and do something about it . And that's when I start it all over again, only to reach no real results. I am sure its not that hard , one of these days I should get my break too, after all ,the saying is every dog has its day right ?

Yes, I do feel like a dog with its tail between its leg sometimes , especially when I never make it for an interview. They tell me its hard, you need to know people , your experience, your degrees, are not enough, even your references don't help you much at all . Sometimes you need to have some ' inside connections' to get you the first break. You need to know insiders. 'The inside push' I would like to call it, that's more like it. The push I don't have and have no hopes of ever getting.  How is one supposed to know any insiders, when one is oneself  a newbie to this whole drama . Now that, according to me, is totally discouraging as a job seeker, and me not a young one at that either. So you see, its not all that green ,the grass on this side , it might appear so, for  you on the far side though, its just a beautiful vision from there, let me be frank with you all on the farther side , more like a chimera ( a foolish fantasy ) it now seems to me, this business of finding a decent job here in the US by myself that is. But surely no point in losing lose hope you all, it is still the dream land of the Science, Math Graduates and all Computer related pros, just not the place for a Language Major like me is all. So keep up your high  hopes still , out there, you will definitely find your little green patch...

All puffed -up, stuffed and totally out of sync with the world....

Have you ever had allergies? If so, pray that you never do ever get them. Especially the Spring kind, the Pollen allergy. I am so not well with runny, stuffed up nose,  puffy, itchy eyes and so out of sync with everything. Wish Spring wouldn't punish me so. Is Spring ('April is the cruellest month') really cruel after all ? Am sure not a pretty sight to look at during early Spring , anyways .

Glad that the schools are on and the break is over for the kids. Which means less of the shouting and screaming  and a little private time to oneself , at least in the mornings, which are now mostly spent in a world of tissues and paper towels though. No medication seems to work for me. Someone told me the other day Yoga might be the answer or at least  some work-out at the Gym . Need to seriously think about enrolling at the Rush. I find I can't gather enough enthusiasm for anything now-a-days. It is most likely my age creeping on me. I am getting old, its as simple as that, I tell myself . Time does catch up with you and one fine day you realize you would rather curl up somewhere, far away from all this madness. Bliss it would be to be away far away from all this' busy-ness' . But there's no escape .You are not done yet, some little voice in me perks up.

There's so many things I have promised myself I will do one day, someday... Like the swimming classes for instance, which I always think about taking, around this same time of the year, but never get to actually do anyhow. Life is all about meeting one's priorities I know, and somehow my swimming gets pushed back always. It has no real priority in the general interests, you know. I believe I would sure love the time in the water, that would be like the feeling I always get, when I  walk around stringing my camera, clicking away, got to do something about the swimming classes one of these days.The sheer pleasure of the kids and everyone else when they are in the water, makes me so envious of them. I usually, always sit around and watch the kids in the water, how I desire to be in with them ! One of these days, definitely, I promise myself again.

There is so much work to be done, if I have a mind for it that is. I'd rather take a book and curl around, tucked inside my blanket, on the bed, reading the book of my choice, than reply to the mail I ought to or some other house work I need to do. Only, I would be mercilessly chided if I don't, so I got to get on with it. See, my eyes are puffy, I got so much work to do, whether it be in the kitchen or the house or mailing some stuff but I'd rather do something that is more appealing. How far have I grown up I wonder! This very grown-up person , who demands her kids to be responsible, how much are you mature enough, yourself ? Aren't you still a kid who would shun his/her work and opt for play and pleasure, not really having grown up yourself but try to appear before like one for your little ones?

Wordsworth's lines from his short poem " My heart leaps up when I behold" come to my mind,  'Child is father of man', he says in it. It does ring very true to me. We often fool ourselves we are more knowledgeable, mature, that we know the best, but are we or do we truly ? Numerous are the times my eyes have been opened by the words  from the mouths of mere babes. How many times have I learned new things from my own kids! They do  teach you simple, important  stuff, stuff that really matters that is, on a daily basis. Its not rocket Science, but the very simple, more important principles we tend to frequently brush away, running after the very modern "important", busy life. It is to those really important, simple stuff, which the kids take us back to through their tender wisdom . Also, you need the patience to listen to them, then only you can learn from them. Dwelling on it, it dawns on me, these words of truth from these mere babes that I learn on a daily basis, are actually lessons long forgotten by me, things I used to know, they remind me of who I once used to be.  So, William Wordsworth the Philosopher/Poet was right , wasn't he after all?

A very new resolution on diet.. yet to be put to use...

I happened to watch a video of a heavy person trying to lose some considerable pounds off of  his body. The video is  been very inspiring I ought to admit. My very health -conscious husband who would eat only very light and healthy foods in the mornings and who usually ends up just grabbing  anything and everything he feels like when he is home, but of course, who follows up with a considerable amount of time spend at the gym and with his trainer later, is also in the  habit of watching anything related to health and body care, mostly its about dieting and exercise. So  I ended up watching and appreciating the efforts of the person going through with this rigorous form of dieting with him last Friday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRtSo-YpWbk&feature=player_embedded

The movie is really inspiring and very result -oriented I must say, that you simply feel like you ought to detoxicate yourself too as soon as possible. It is actually a process of cleansing and thereby losing of the unwanted ,excess fat we carry around which has been accumulated by our careless eating habits, that is what really happens in the video . The best thing is that it works! It really does . I am reminded of the Naturopathy technique of treatment I have heard about and seen at work back home. Only, you gotto have tons of perseverance, patience and just plain courage to  keep going on , until you cross those first few days, as the first few days are the real tough ones. Then it seems like it becomes you, or rather you become it, really.You also need to be armed with  fresh veggies like kale, cucumber, celery, granny smith apples, preferably all organic . In the end you just get used to the Green Mean Juice as they call it in the video . You don't salivate for pizzas, pastas,burgers, fries and all the buffets in the world anymore, I believe, once you are into it. You just don't wanna eat anymore of  those appetizing foods once you start seeing the total change in yourself. All the medications are off too ,as you no longer require them .

We the enthusiasts, even ended up ordering a Breville juicer, which is scheduled to arrive at our address  soon.

My partner's plans are all clear. Gotto get on the diet ASAP. I pipe in, but what's the point,you always end up grabbing every cookie and snack you can get your hands on, in the eves . So tell me what's the point , I annoy him . Pat comes his reply, you know, I can stop eating all that if I want to. And he is right there too . I have seen him go through till the end with his resolutions if he really puts his mind to it . Only he ought to make sure I don't put a spoke in his resolve. I usually do.Not purposefully, of course.Well that's the spirit, that's my man, I think to myself . He urges me to try it too. I ,being not so sure about myself,  give him a 'maybe'.. But I am seriously considering it too . Now , don't get me wrong .Its not that I am overly carrying too much weight around .I probably have a rough 10  pounds to lose, is all . But the point is ,I am not all that fit as a fiddle . Its high time I took charge of my  health too, I scold myself , there being zero work-out in my daily routine. I have become a couch potato, in short, reading books, networking sometimes, but mostly devouring the Netflix shows. After all its just the first two or  three days that is the hindrance between me and an hour-glass figure, probably, I tell myself who knows! As if I am in  need of one of those now... even so, it should be a whole lot less to carry around, I argue with myself , and imagine, all those nice tops and dresses I could wear, if by the end of it all I did become slim as a reed . It definitely is a very appealing future outcome.

You can go back to your regular food after 30-60 days but only in a very planned and organized way of course, more leaves, less meat , less carbo. Hopefully the new juicer will help me change my diet too. All those yummy looking Oreo's and chocolate-chip cookies's and snacks say hello to me all the while I slowly come to this decision . Its sure gonna be hard, but worth the try, I am positive. I make a note to make a video from the first day till the last day too, like them , we could maybe end up being an  inspiration to some one else, after all.

How to "Steal" a sandwich recipe...

My little one was up in bed saying she wanted her breakfast immediately, and no to bath or bathroom before breakfast, she decided  . I tried arguing to no avail and in the end had to give up and do her bidding .

Then comes my usual query to her: "What do think you want for breakfast dear ? " She thinks for a moment and comes up with a waffle sandwich, Blueberry waffle sandwich that is . I say ,"alright, cold milk with it right?" Yes she goes..  A blueberry waffle sandwich, cold milk and a few minutes later, she calls out to her brother, who is still in bed..."Anna , I stole your recipe for the sandwich..na na na ..."

He, the big B , wildly screams ,"How dare you? Its mine, my blueberry waffle sandwich recipe" And so it goes on..The argument..So what's this special recipe of my son's right? You must have guessed it already. A little grape jelly and butter spread on two waffles that  have been toasted..that's the long and short of it ...The big B who has been asked by his trainer not to touch waffles anymore ,rushes to the kitchen as soon as he is up from bed , tosses two waffles into the toaster with a vengeance. He must have a sandwich soon , if not its all gonna go away..who knows..so lemme rush ,must be his thought. Anyway ,I feel its time I helped so I go "what about milk? "No milk" he says sternly "I am not supposed to drink milk you know.I need to watch my weight."  "but.." I begin ,"no mom no" he goes. Fine then, I think to myself and he ends up having whats up there. By making one for himself and devouring it as fast as he could ,he must believe he has saved his recipe, I think to myself. He is all about preserving his grandmas' recipes , hold on to the secrets mom , he tells me ,they are precious you know.Don't go around passing all secrets about family recipes is his motto.

At times I wonder, if he is gonna make a good chef after all , not an astronomer or designer of things like air-crafts and the like ,or an engineer or whatever  he usually says he wants to be. Let me add, he even wants to be the President at times ,when he grows up that is . At least I wouldn't have to worry, I try telling myself , about his future, that is. Who knows, he might make a good chef ,if not anything else that he usually wishes to become in the future , which( being a chef) incidentally, happens to be a secret desire with his dad , who is a great cook himself.. :-) After  all I sure am glad I need not maybe worry, maybe not too much at least .

Spring I love, but the flower dust ? spare me the agony I say ! .....

We are into the third day of the kids' Spring break. Waking up late as we please , (the kids and I ),and languishing some more , loathe to get up yet.The temperature is in the 80's but I don't see any kids outside in the mornings. They seem to enjoy the pool in the late afternoons and their games usually begin around 5.00 pm.

Soccer is been cancelled last week and it is still, as it is been raining in the evenings and we have been having some thunderstorms of late ,most in the afternoons .The kids are really frustrated at this state of events. They clearly enjoy their soccer time , as its a time for bonding with everyone for them and us too.

As usual, I am hit with another bout of the Spring allergies from pollen . The cars are covered with the dust, and again as usual am on medication but, of no use . How I love the flowers blooming everywhere! Wanting to click away at all the different , various , luscious colors around, click all the trees laden with the abundance of flowers! In spite of my weakness for them , I am so susceptible to their dust . During these times, I am constantly sick, like having cold for months, having to heavily depend on medication and tissues as I have a constant runny nose, with itchy eyes and whatnot . Maybe a little hatred for the Season might help me get through all this agony, but I find I still love this season . No amount of allergy , I believe can cure me of my love for this most beautiful of seasons. I guess none can escape this  love of Spring ,which brings  so much beauty everywhere , and in such abundance  !

So I guess, I shall still enjoy it all through my very watery eyes and my very runny nose , in spite of it all .

It's Spring break already! Sigh!

The kids are on the verge of  their Spring break and here I am a bit vary about it . Probably very mean of me to be so ! Wonder if this was exactly  the way my folks felt, whenever we kid's vacations came around - this feeling of  slight fear, about how they were going to make it through, with all that accompanying  ruckus . I am vary ,as I am well aware of the various showdowns we are sure we ( my kids and I) would have during this break . School,definitely, I ought to admit , is a reprieve for parents.

Matter of fact , we did have one of our famous showdowns yesterday , my  tween son and myself that is, like we always do, for such common- place things like , taking out the trash .

I try to remind him on such occasions, of the various chores that  kids of his age and younger , usually do around the house.  I am vividly reminded of a much smaller boy , one of six or seven years of age, begging me to let him wash the dishes for me some years back . I did say to him "maybe not" then , as he was too small I thought , for that particular job and at the same time did express my wish he would be so generous  with his offer of help later ,once he got older . And now, you see, it is that same earnest kid of yore that I have these mighty arguments with for nothing .

The reasons he quoted for not being in a mind to take the trash out yesterday being , he had already done one job, that being , nothing other than taking some home-made snack to my neighbor, that too in the same building ! He just couldn't do it  he said, as he was too tired from too much "work" as he put it . The "work" in question, having been at his day at school , having to work hard there, and now look, he says, here you (being me)  giving me no peace of mind. This return from school had been an hour back he forgets, and above all that day's work, you (That's me)  force me  to take a few paces to the dumpster?!

I had a good mind then to walk him through my memories, of  the numerous days of having had to do all that  loads of home-work assigned us in our younger days , added to any work we had to do at home whenever we were there, and of how we were expected to help around the house, any and all work as a matter of fact. Only, I stopped myself , as I was reminded of how we have tried from time to time to relate those days of toil and hard work of ours, in the hopes that our growing up tween and his little sister would get a teeny weeny more responsible, but how it always, somehow never registers in their minds . I try to pacify my partner's worries about the kids' lack of appreciation of the freedom and choices they have, the better chances and better comforts and his constant worry of why they just are unable to afford  some degree or a modicum of respect  to life in general , by telling him , maybe, we should give them more time, let them know repeatedly, remind them periodically, and they would eventually understand. My high hopes! My elder one usually shows signs of comprehension during these lectures, but only fleetingly, and again I see my tween reverting to his usual ways, which of course makes his dad see RED.

At the same time , kids ought to  be allowed to be kids I know , and that they will one day, maybe look back like the grown-ups before them, who have done so throughout the ages, with nostalgia at the wild ways they were allowed to be in their own homes. The total freedom they had there, to be themselves, as that's the essence of childhood and everyone should be allowed to savor it at everyone's own sweet pace I guess.... The only downside here being I am on the other side now...So be it , I tell myself ........Now it's their turn to have fun , and am sure ready for their break... so bring it on I say  ....

It's so beautiful outside...

So, here I am sitting in my bedroom, typing away, glancing out the window from time to time, which draws my attention to the fact that, its such a beautiful day for a picnic or just a day outdoors . It dawns on me then, such luck we have, to sometimes get these beautiful days, mostly during the week that is.

Every time I meet some neighbor I get this, " Such  a beautiful day right?" which of course immediately gives rise to this, very sneaky guilty feeling in me, for nothing other than that feeling of, I have been doing absolutely nothing at all,nothing substantial, to take advantage of the beauty all around me. Immediately, I try to think of ways and means to do fun stuff, only to realize we already have too many commitments of some sports or games, or classes or anything else but....

Last weekend, I did make myself a bit useful. I decided to tackle my "potted garden" ... my name for all my potted plants put together in the little outdoor space, the patio, that comes with our living space. It is apt to be named so I guess.. Now I know you are wondering why just a 'potted garden', right? We never stay long in a single place..we are always in a constant state of flux/move.... all these just brings to mind, the poet Thom Gunn's words. ....

"One moves as well, always toward, toward."....."At worse, one is in motion; and at best, Reaching no absolute,in which to rest,  One is always nearer by not keeping still."

That my friends , is us ...very much us you know, in a nutshell.

So you see, any long-term plans are out, anything that is long-term in fact. This, for the very same people to whom permanency and security is of the priority even in simple matters of life.

Am not so naive you know, to think this is just our lot. There is no permanency anywhere, in anything, in fact, as is well known, you just got to look around you to see that."One joins the movement in a valueless world" ..How can there be any, when, the world itself is in a constant state of flux ? I got to say I do love that particular piece of Gunn's . In fact, I remember elaborating on it in a post-graduate  class a few years' back . It was so easy for me then, to get the idea across, as we were talking about something I had freshly experienced then. It always helps, your own experience with things, to  get the idea across in more clarity, I guess..Oh! how I miss my teaching days!

On finding a four-leaf clover and the joy of sharing a little luck...

My daughter,yesterday, chanced upon a four-leaf clover. She came running to me along with her friend Surya, in all her excitement and happiness of the discovery, with her little find. For just a moment, I wondered  who might have told her the relevance of the fourth leaf, as I had not discussed that particular topic with her . Almost immediately  I was reminded of the schools' observing all such traditions, and it being so near to St. Patrick's day, she might have listened to the importance of the shamrock and everything associated with the Irish tradition in class.

Her friend did want to share a little of the ownership of the special clover,of having found it, but my little one refused to let him take any credit, insisting, she had found it herself .  In the meantime, I was reminded of a similar afternoon, some six years back, when her older brother had found one while we were located in Atlanta, and how he had made me go on all fours, hunting for more, through the evening, to no avail of course. I got to admit, that yesterday, while at the ball grounds, I couldn't stop  myself from going through the clover bunches, in the hope of maybe finding one  myself ! Such kids we are, after all !  All the world  sure could do with pots of luck if it was available, of course, that is .

I had taken a picture of the four-leaf treasure and wanted to  press it in a book in the hope of preserving it . I later tried to share this little luck my girl had brought us, with some of my friends. The reactions were multiple and many- folded. But all of these various reactions, brought back to me some satisfaction, the hope that the little leaf-image most certainly would at least have brought a smile to everyone who got a glimpse of it, to so many friends and some friends of friends, even if it was only for a moment . And may that luck prevail .Good luck to you all..

Wishing back for things past..and a little digressing..

The topic of nicknames have triggered a whole stream of wishes for things bygone for me. I pass through such phases frequently, of course. I believe its mostly because I am one of those, who have had to make a far away country my home for many years, quite far from the place where I was familiar with from the moment I was born, which because of the distance, makes visits to and fro, too few and far in between . In the same breath I ought to admit though, even if  it sounds to you like I have this big lump of nostalgia threatening to choke me through and through, if  for that matter, I were  given a chance to immediately get back to my roots, I would  find myself at a loss within a very short period of time. I got to admit I have become incapable of  adjusting to the present state of affairs back home. This problem is definitely not one of comfort or convenience either.

This state of affairs, I have found to my surprise and dismay is not just my own experience but rather that of my various friends scattered all over the world. Somehow our homeland has this capacity to really be a little too much to absorb for us, at times.(Oh ! but  how we love the old world food, kindness, caring, love and relatives!) The most I personally could take was probably 60 days with frequent intervals of wishing to be back in the adopted Country.Wonder why that's so? Probably I have lost my closeness to my roots. I have no idea. Or maybe who knows, I might have over the years lost my capacity for real strong feelings/attachments ..probably that could be it.

Please do not misunderstand me, I definitely am not a snob. I try my best to be myself at all times anywhere, especially back at home, the way  I'd been before leaving, still, somehow I find myself lacking in my acceptance of multiple things as such. I do at times chide myself , saying to myself ,"this is your place", "after all u belong here", despite all that chiding, I do realize, that I tend to always leave part of myself back home  in my adopted land. One could say, its that ability in me to accept things as they are wherever I am uprooted, and also its the ability to embrace the ways and charms of any and every place I will be taken to in my sojourn in my life, I guess.

The very few opportunities I have had to show allegiance to my adopted place, like by showing off  the  flag  of my adopted Country to my friends back home, they have commented on it with an element of regret of my changed allegiance. I wanted to let them know this, that, somehow this love for the place that's become home for me, for more than a decade and a half now, is something I am  totally helpless to deny ! If I may say so, this care and love has slowly grown on me, through all these years of being allowed to lead my own simple life with few interference if any, in my own little way most of the time. I never have had to please anyone, save my partner, whereas its not at all so ,back in my hometown. Each and every word and action of yours is dissected and processed according to all and sundries' understanding and beliefs and prejudices. In the end you are left with nothing . You are Null, Nada, in fact not even what you do or say belong to you anymore, in fact you become non-existent . Only what others think you are is the reality there. Its like you evolve according to what the society, people and well-wishers around you dictate and expect of you.. It can smother you quite often, become a little too much to take sometimes . I know I sound extremely  ungrateful here, probably I am , but that's how I am made to feel after my rare visits. 

I did have one particular material purpose in addition to all the multiple altruistic ones for my visits back home throughout the years. Now that I am  being stripped of my material reasons, by people in authority, I shall be free of the accompanying stresses of work this time, hopefully my next visit will tell me if at all there is a chance for me to redeem myself or if it  all really is how I have perceived it so long, the state of affairs back in my homeland that is, the way I have been sensing them  and experiencing them or whether its all in my mind, you know.

Relevance of nicknames in the past and present...

I had gotten into thinking recently why I'd chosen the name I did for this writing purpose, and the only reason that popped into my mind was none other than the little semblance of anonymity it might provide. What false sense of frail security we are preys to at times!

Being the youngest among six siblings and everyone already being allotted an apt nickname by then, I was not allowed any exception either. I was called ' Panchali'  with fervent anger ,loathe, love and  also just  for the sake of being called something . I believe this tradition of allotting nicknames to one and all is just a part and parcel of the growing -up process . In short ,this name came naturally to my siblings' mouth whenever they wanted me present , to be given a chore, scolded, chided or bullied and sometimes to just share things with too. Once I remember asking them why I was given that particular name . And I was gladly told I ought to be proud, as Panchali was a heroine in the famous Indian Epic. Only later did I learn, she was also the wife of multiple husbands and I sure was not happy about the choice of that name for me then. Anyway, I got used to the name eventually  and in fact later came to expect to be called so by my brothers and my sister.Only she never did call me that, to her I was always her baby sister.

Growing up with so many brothers, cousins and an elder sister, getting the opportunity to hop houses , mostly cousin's houses, without parental permission almost always, and getting punished for being disobedient and inviting oneself into one's relatives' home just because one happened to end up there during playtime, and at every chance one got in childhood days, I believe those  were such grand experiences that our kids now in the present age, can only try to visualize when its related to them by us, about such escapades of our childhood, occasionally by us . Whenever I do so, I see my son get his eyes so wide, wondering, with a  "did she really do that"  type of look . Its that same me , who has now become  this impossible bossy mom, who now, am imposing these multiple  'rules' with my  you cannot do that's,  'let me see if its alright's', 'they need their privacy you know' s, and ' you need to find ways to entertain yourself ,you know's' and so on. Numerous are the times my own kids accuse me of being mean and I see myself as a young girl a long time back,doing the exact same thing to my mother.

At least am glad to see my kids are creative with the  nicknames they make for each other .Its a natural talent I guess. One which definitely makes me smile, sometimes wanting to berate them in spite of the immediate smile that springs on my lips, only one name alone never ever seem to stick for very long in their case. I am also sad, we, their parents and their uncles and aunts  have grown so far apart from each other, wherever our lives have taken us, that, we, the grownups have come to feel among ourselves that we have probably lost our rights as siblings to call each other the old nicknames we had called each one in those old happy-go-lucky days. I don't mean to say we have forgotten then, in fact we are all starkly conscious of our childhood closeness, rivalry and name calling, but only we have misplaced the right to be ourselves, the total freedom, somewhere along the way , in the process of growing up.  Many are the times I regret how we , the close-knit family have eventually moved so farther away, almost outwardly caring nothing for whats going on in each one's life, but inwardly bleeding for that same loss, hoping everything can be mended and brought back to the original state..which is never going to be of course,which probably is a dream. The only hope that remains after all that sense of loss, and wishing for things that are never meant to be, is hoping that each in their innermost hearts have only kind wishes and hopes and only good thoughts for each other.

This state, I have come to realize is the way most family relationships are in the modern age . We give more importance to selfishness , fame and fortune and also one's social status, almost always  forgetting, in our mad rush to become achievers , that its that ,which  we  essentially are, that  we sacrifice in order to achieve this same name and fame and fortune. So,  who or what is left of us in the end  to enjoy the result of all that mad rush? Is this crazy rush at all worth it in the end? At the same time, we are reminded we were bred and brought up to thrive, only this thriving has taken on a much too material or profitable meaning, totally devoid of anything worthwhile ultimately.

Bittersweet childhood...

Its been  a while my friends and readers ( if u r there). I have not been in the mood to pen down anything until recently. But recent events have made me come back and take a look at what I had written a few weeks' back.I see its not all rubbish. I see myself, the young me and it inspires me to keep on cleansing myself in my writing..So here let me do it..

I have had the good luck to create a few pages on behalf of my schools and colleges, and while I compile these, pick up bits from here and there, borrow old pictures which recreate the bittersweet memories for my various friends , seniors and juniors, I also do receive these heart-rending comments on certain posts. These reflect the same pain I felt all those years ago. The pain, the longing, the loss, the feeling of being unwanted.. These sad feelings I must add are mostly associated to my childhood years. The years one is supposed to be carefree.I have come to realize all those sad memories were not just in my mind, it has been the same ones for a few others too. So, unlike what some of my co-boarders insisted, I had not imagined all that injustice, the partiality and the total meanness that was a constant there. So I am glad that  these comments from fellow mates for the time being at least proves  I am not yet become senile and am grateful for that .  :-)

We at the boarding, the boarders as we were known, were looked upon by our fellow schoolmates as  a privileged lot. We did feel privileged in some ways too. Though the term itself is quite relative in many ways.. For me that privilege ended as soon as I got back to the boarding back from holidays at home.We had regular, fixed times for everything. Christian kids were expected to attend Mass at the nearby church or the chapel inside the boarding or school. I remember I only liked to attend Mass because of the songs. I loved singing along. And I liked to think I had a, not- so- bad singing voice too. This singing  helped me get through the whole ceremony of Mass. Or should I say I adopted the singing mode to worship my Lord?

We, the boarders while we attended Church outside the compound walls , were made to walk in  a single file, talking was totally a no no, prim and proper behavior expected of us, while on our way to and from and while inside the Church. Let me elaborate a bit on the " talking ways" of my boarding days. We had this rule there at that time. Ours was a Montessori school back then, in the medium of English, in a Malayalam speaking locality, and our school authorities had this rule that we the boarders ought to only converse in English while speaking with each other. I do not remember this rule being so hard and fast in the school itself as such. But let me tell you, it was us, the kids at the boarding who were made to stick to this particular one. The promise to our parents being we, their kids would be excellent English-speaking finished products. I believe its exactly this surety, that I would be excellent in my English and my general Education because of that medium of Instruction being English, which was not all that common in Kerala in the early 1970's, that really appealed to my parents to enroll their youngest there. 

If you ask me what benefits I had gained from being a student there, what would I say? Let me think. What did I get out of my days there? The only thing that comes to my mind is, yes, my dear parents were right. I did get interested in the Language and because of  excellent teachers like Sr.Angela, and the extensive library the school had, ( I do especially remember the hard bound little books like "Daddy tell me a story", the brightly colored, Indian -Epic related, comic books, and of course the Illustrated classics), I did develop a strong base for English and an intensive love of the language, which later persuaded me to choose English as my Major in College. Probably, I later became an English Teacher because of the hours I spent reading those books whenever I got a chance, even with the poor light from the corridors in the boarding, that seeped through our dorm windows at night, while we were supposed to be fast asleep. Now that I look back, I realize my avid reading helped me a lot in bearing all that was going on around me, in a real major way. I ignored my school books largely and my school results were repeatedly poor. My grades for all other subjects were average to poor but the English muse always smiled on me.

With the modern benefits of Networking, I have been able to reconnect with my old classmates, erstwhile friends and foes alike, and we have realized how bittersweet our days back at school were. Some of my classmates have been able to jog my memory, sometimes through old pictures and have helped me connect the dots of various little incidents that happened so long ago. Oh, let me tell you there's nothing as funny, enjoyable, refreshing and cathartic than a fellow schoolmate, with whom you have fought and played and been nice and bad and everything in between, reminding you of your childhood flaws and all those various escapades. I am sure you have already got an idea of what I am trying to express here. Sometimes, I catch myself wanting to turn back the clock, maybe try to change everything, wipe away all the unpleasantness, wanting to relive that particular part in my life, hoping to do everything better, but alas ! What's done is done as we all know....We never get a second chance ever, or do we ? Probably its all for the best I  try telling myself....well, that is the philosopher in me. These are the moments when those famous words  from the Bhagavad Gita take on a whole  new level of meaning to me.