It’s just too hard sometimes just to keep going I have been
finding out. Sometimes it’s just the mere smile on a face, a kind word,
another's sad/happy tidings, Nature herself in all her glory/her awesomeness or
the look on one's loved ones faces that just keeps us going, isn't it?
Inspiration is getting really hard to come by for me. I can't seem
to be inspired easily of recent, I am realizing of late. Probably I am getting more
and more hardened, no finer feelings ,as each day seem to pass me by, changing
me forever. Is it a better change? Maybe no . But it sure is not the same me I
see, as I did see of myself yesterday or the day before .Maybe I am arriving at
that Cynic's point. And I sure don't
like what I see of what I am
becoming. Why can't anything seem to lift my spirits, I wonder?
I do try though, to find enthusiasm , only to lose it soon enough
and am usually rewarded at times with scattered spates of satisfying moments. I
have come to acknowledge there is satisfaction to be gained at watching
the happiness of total strangers at times. I know I am looking for any
little stray straws to grab at.. ..just to stay afloat I guess. That's exactly
what it’s all come to..the act of just staying afloat. Absolutely no enthusiasm
to be found anywhere in anything. I also catch myself trying to show some
modicum of satisfaction in everything . Only it becomes a show a little too
often I ought to admit.
And I do hate putting up shows, but have been made aware that you
got to, and its sure becoming a way of life for many, and I being among that
many of course.
Is it so for the majority I wonder. Had it been so for our
forebears before us? If so, what a lives are we all having? Hopefully it was
not so I would like to think. Its just me and my poor spirits, books don't seem
to help me much either. Neither do the various entertainments and the visits..I
get back to the zero enthusiasm level very soon. The crux of the problem is
with me then, I tell myself . The world seems to be fine, with all its usual
dramas and cycles, its just my attitude and my outlook . And I sure am glad all
is as usual around me, of course. I try searching for that old self of mine,
the very optimistic being I used to be, the one who used to tell herself it all
would really get better. Now, I don't have the enthusiasm to think it even, I
realize. I do pucker up and summon that optimism for some one else oftentimes, someone
who needs it, a friend or a loved one of course.When it comes to me I feel it’s
really of no use.Only, I got to face myself, the real me that is, from time to
time, and I do know,I got to admit the sense of defeat I really feel to that particular person.
Need to keep on going though, like an ant, more like an inchworm,
inch by inch , second by second, to strive and reach that point to be scaled,
and I hope I can hold up until then...
