Wishing back for things past..and a little digressing..

The topic of nicknames have triggered a whole stream of wishes for things bygone for me. I pass through such phases frequently, of course. I believe its mostly because I am one of those, who have had to make a far away country my home for many years, quite far from the place where I was familiar with from the moment I was born, which because of the distance, makes visits to and fro, too few and far in between . In the same breath I ought to admit though, even if  it sounds to you like I have this big lump of nostalgia threatening to choke me through and through, if  for that matter, I were  given a chance to immediately get back to my roots, I would  find myself at a loss within a very short period of time. I got to admit I have become incapable of  adjusting to the present state of affairs back home. This problem is definitely not one of comfort or convenience either.

This state of affairs, I have found to my surprise and dismay is not just my own experience but rather that of my various friends scattered all over the world. Somehow our homeland has this capacity to really be a little too much to absorb for us, at times.(Oh ! but  how we love the old world food, kindness, caring, love and relatives!) The most I personally could take was probably 60 days with frequent intervals of wishing to be back in the adopted Country.Wonder why that's so? Probably I have lost my closeness to my roots. I have no idea. Or maybe who knows, I might have over the years lost my capacity for real strong feelings/attachments ..probably that could be it.

Please do not misunderstand me, I definitely am not a snob. I try my best to be myself at all times anywhere, especially back at home, the way  I'd been before leaving, still, somehow I find myself lacking in my acceptance of multiple things as such. I do at times chide myself , saying to myself ,"this is your place", "after all u belong here", despite all that chiding, I do realize, that I tend to always leave part of myself back home  in my adopted land. One could say, its that ability in me to accept things as they are wherever I am uprooted, and also its the ability to embrace the ways and charms of any and every place I will be taken to in my sojourn in my life, I guess.

The very few opportunities I have had to show allegiance to my adopted place, like by showing off  the  flag  of my adopted Country to my friends back home, they have commented on it with an element of regret of my changed allegiance. I wanted to let them know this, that, somehow this love for the place that's become home for me, for more than a decade and a half now, is something I am  totally helpless to deny ! If I may say so, this care and love has slowly grown on me, through all these years of being allowed to lead my own simple life with few interference if any, in my own little way most of the time. I never have had to please anyone, save my partner, whereas its not at all so ,back in my hometown. Each and every word and action of yours is dissected and processed according to all and sundries' understanding and beliefs and prejudices. In the end you are left with nothing . You are Null, Nada, in fact not even what you do or say belong to you anymore, in fact you become non-existent . Only what others think you are is the reality there. Its like you evolve according to what the society, people and well-wishers around you dictate and expect of you.. It can smother you quite often, become a little too much to take sometimes . I know I sound extremely  ungrateful here, probably I am , but that's how I am made to feel after my rare visits. 

I did have one particular material purpose in addition to all the multiple altruistic ones for my visits back home throughout the years. Now that I am  being stripped of my material reasons, by people in authority, I shall be free of the accompanying stresses of work this time, hopefully my next visit will tell me if at all there is a chance for me to redeem myself or if it  all really is how I have perceived it so long, the state of affairs back in my homeland that is, the way I have been sensing them  and experiencing them or whether its all in my mind, you know.