I am no child to anyone anymore... not in name at least.. it' s become a stark reality , something I have yet to accept.
No matter how old one gets , one always is a child to one's parents and that embracing feeling, that feeling of protection, that sense of belonging, is what I have lost. And I mourn for all that and my dear parents' loss, far removed from all dear ones, thousands of miles away, helpless and having to mourn alone, held back here by red tape.
Do not get me wrong, I am in no fool's paradise regarding being a child- this very much older woman, its just that, I am slowly having to accept the reality of losing yet another parent and getting no real closure in any way. I do fervently hope this never happens to anyone else, this state of helplessness, this heightened sense of no loss, all over again. Yes, this is the second time for me, being physically removed at the time of departure of a parent, and in no way getting any sense of closure.
At times, I feel I must be the unluckiest and the most undeserving kid any parent could have had, or why should I alone, among all six, be denied the chance of that one last glance at my dear ones' faces?
I believe I am one of those people with ample desires, wishes and hopes like anyone else, but at the same time I am also one of those who is ready to settle for the least, if that is all that is made available to me, and yet, mostly I find I am denied of that least of chances .
Maybe i ought to follow the path of zero desires I guess , the Buddha's way- Desire leads to unhappiness, so shed all desire right? Even the most moderate ones too, that way one doesn't have to deal with all this the ensuing unhappiness and misery. It could help to a certain extent at least, but alas,to my dismay I find I am only human after all.
Who knows I might end up in that particular path someday, eventually, but right now I have to deal with this total misery, this sense of loss, of not being able to see another dear face yet again when I get back home after a long period of absence . And that particular thought frightens and worries me. I have learned that life in that little part of the world has already changed, utterly and terribly and nothing is ever, ever going to be the same ever again. Everything has taken on a new meaning altogether, a new perspective, even dear ones have changed and also their outlooks, and I have to get used to the change, get adjusted. All these were expected of course, and yet oftentimes it is hard to believe or accept.
The passing away of a dear one is sometimes like the passing of an era, (it has turned out so, for me at least ), sometimes releasing the good and sometimes the bad in all of us and I am having to accept that too. Perspectives have changed, positions have reversed and the wheel of life just keeps turning as Life in its entirety goes on.
Responsibilities, expectations and sheer demands of life make me move on, each day after day, slowly bringing in the healing, but the thought that I never ever got the chance to say my goodbyes just keeps on taunting me. So, what mighty wrong have I done to deserve this state, I wonder. No idea at all. I only hope and pray that I will be forgiven for not being there and would be understood fully by my dear departed ones.
No matter how old one gets , one always is a child to one's parents and that embracing feeling, that feeling of protection, that sense of belonging, is what I have lost. And I mourn for all that and my dear parents' loss, far removed from all dear ones, thousands of miles away, helpless and having to mourn alone, held back here by red tape.
Do not get me wrong, I am in no fool's paradise regarding being a child- this very much older woman, its just that, I am slowly having to accept the reality of losing yet another parent and getting no real closure in any way. I do fervently hope this never happens to anyone else, this state of helplessness, this heightened sense of no loss, all over again. Yes, this is the second time for me, being physically removed at the time of departure of a parent, and in no way getting any sense of closure.
At times, I feel I must be the unluckiest and the most undeserving kid any parent could have had, or why should I alone, among all six, be denied the chance of that one last glance at my dear ones' faces?
I believe I am one of those people with ample desires, wishes and hopes like anyone else, but at the same time I am also one of those who is ready to settle for the least, if that is all that is made available to me, and yet, mostly I find I am denied of that least of chances .
Maybe i ought to follow the path of zero desires I guess , the Buddha's way- Desire leads to unhappiness, so shed all desire right? Even the most moderate ones too, that way one doesn't have to deal with all this the ensuing unhappiness and misery. It could help to a certain extent at least, but alas,to my dismay I find I am only human after all.
Who knows I might end up in that particular path someday, eventually, but right now I have to deal with this total misery, this sense of loss, of not being able to see another dear face yet again when I get back home after a long period of absence . And that particular thought frightens and worries me. I have learned that life in that little part of the world has already changed, utterly and terribly and nothing is ever, ever going to be the same ever again. Everything has taken on a new meaning altogether, a new perspective, even dear ones have changed and also their outlooks, and I have to get used to the change, get adjusted. All these were expected of course, and yet oftentimes it is hard to believe or accept.
The passing away of a dear one is sometimes like the passing of an era, (it has turned out so, for me at least ), sometimes releasing the good and sometimes the bad in all of us and I am having to accept that too. Perspectives have changed, positions have reversed and the wheel of life just keeps turning as Life in its entirety goes on.
Responsibilities, expectations and sheer demands of life make me move on, each day after day, slowly bringing in the healing, but the thought that I never ever got the chance to say my goodbyes just keeps on taunting me. So, what mighty wrong have I done to deserve this state, I wonder. No idea at all. I only hope and pray that I will be forgiven for not being there and would be understood fully by my dear departed ones.
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